Yesterday was Sunday. Sundays are SUPPOSED to be relaxing and involve lots of wine, especially on super sunny Sundays, like yesterday.
That was the plan, yesterday, wine + sunshine. After some errands. Boyfriend’s errands. To have included (what I knew when we left the house): picking up farm machinery…from a farm…and taking it to a coworker on another farm close by. Then maybe stop by Lowe’s to pick up a toilet seat cover that broke when my giant Marine stood on it to paint the bathroom walls. Easy Peasy, right?!?! I even brought a Joyce Carol Oates book if “picking up farm equipment” turned into “an hour of men bullshitting”! Because, I’m smart like that. SMRT SMART!
We arrived at the farm. Farmer wasn’t home. His brother was. Boyfriend told Brother man that we were going to, “pick up farm equipment. AND go get a trail camera in the forest. ANDmaybegoshootsomeguns” at some little family target shooting area. “Boyfrieeeeeeeend,” I says, “WTF do you mean ‘shoot’?” Boyfriend says, “Yeah! We’ll see! Look llamas!”
There were llamas. Funny looking animals.
So we drove by the farm house, and the guest house…and the barn, and the farm equipment, and proceeded to go down a giant hill in a pasture (with cows!) in his F-350.
Then he got stuck in mud. Because it rained like whoa on Saturday.
He got out of the mud after much effort. Only to drive directly into another mud-pit, only this one was worse. He gave it the ol’ college try to get that big ass truck out of the mud. Then he gave up, told me to put on my muck boots (that he brought, how kind) and go with him to get this camera…over “there!”…in a forest.
I’m not a country girl. Nope. I’m from California. I tan and read books. I barely do water of any kind and I was a rower.
But, it was a beautiful day, I happily threw on the boots and tromped over to some trees..only mildly afraid of the cows. But, he keeps going…and *surprises* me with “target practice” so I can test out some little guns for a conceal and carry permit. “FUN!” he says.
…As a Californian, and a woman, and…me, I need to be properly mentally ready for guns. I have found this out. I am a hell of a shot, but I still don’t like to shoot.
Also…no surprises with guns are good surprises. Men, remember that.
So, naturally, I freaked out and quickly tromped back to the F-350 stuck in 3 feet of mud in the middle of a cow pasture down a hill from a farm on a battlefield in Beyond Fucking Egypt Virginia.
I didn’t cry. I called my dad. We talked about hard drives and backing up my computer. (Nerdspeak).
Boyfriend came back huffy, eventually threw enough mud around with his big ass tires to get us out of the mud bog, then went about 80 mph up the pasture hill “to make sure we don’t get stuck again”. I laughed nervously.
Then he found out he couldn’t pick up the farm equipment (that was the point of coming to the farm) so we couldn’t take it to another farm where his coworker lived, so that was that, we left. After 2 hours.
Down the street was an “antique” shop filled with toys I used to play with in the eighties, and one random baby doll that included male-baby parts totally visible to the world, in it’s original packaging (no pun intended). Next to that ramshackle of a old toy shop (read: someone’s grandparent’s attic o’ shit) was a farmers market. We picked up some fresh, local veggies for later.
Boyfriend became hungry, so we stopped at a gas station. Rural gas stations apparently sell down-home-cooked fried chicken and collard greens. Yum! Everything was sauteed in bacon fat first. Ohh…my heart…
Then, oh since we’re only 30 miles away…boyfriend thought, Let’s go to the Taxidermist!!!! Which was cool by me, I like that guy. Get me a coffee and I’m down.
We pulled up and the Taxidermist’s shop was closed, but his wife called us from the near-by house. He was tending to his bees. In his bee-suit.
He stopped doing whatever it is you do with bees and did animal business with the boyfriend, whilst I walked around the shop and stared into the fake glass eyes of things like coyotes, elk, shit-tons of deer and a mounted triceratops head. Oh, and big bears, GO BEARS! (Which reminded me of my college team’s race that day, so I checked the results. Despite a win going to Stanfurd, my alma mater did phenomenal!)
For a very loud moment, there was a cacophony of squawking. His room of exotic parrots. Massive, rainbow-colored, exotic birds with beaks bigger than my Marine. Of course! Taxidermist said not too get too close because the birds could bite. Yes, these were living animals. Noted.
Then we went to Lowe’s. The Lowe’s in rural Virginia is:
1) Not crowded
2) Filled with incredibly nice people
Then we got stuck in traffic for 2 hours, to go 20 miles. We arrived back home around 8pm - which put a SERIOUS damper on me enjoying white wine in the sunshine, as you are SUPPOSED to do on SUNDAYS. But neither here nor there, I still planted some flowers in the front garden while enjoying a microbrew. Not a total waste.
Then the boyfriend made seriously awesome bbq ribs, and I made a seriously awesome giant salad. We sat down at 10 to eat this meal and finally have a glass of wine in the dark over an episode of Top Chef Masters.
Kids, don’t ever let anyone tell you that coupled-up, Suburban life gets boring.